Here’s why love sucks
TIM TAYAG SHARES THIS ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY TRIBUTE DEDICATED TO ALL THE DISILLUSIONED LOVERS OUT THERE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY FRANCES ALCARAZ
WHEN ALFRED LORD TENNYSON wrote, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, he obviously didn’t take into consideration the messy divorce leaving you with nothing but the dog, the restraining order, the psychological trauma caused by in-laws, and the physical trauma of a hot iron pressed into your palm for not doing the laundry. Why doesn’t anyone ever wax poetic about the downside of love? Because it’s bad for business. For those who care to listen, here’s the truth about love.
LOVE MAKES YOUR WEIGHT FLUCTUATE
Before you fell in love, you were cut like a marine because you had time and motivation to hit the gym so you could attract a woman. Then you finally got into a relationship and like Elvis, you let go of yourself. First it was the ice cream after the movie date, then it led to pudding, cheesecakes, chocolate mousse, leche flan and a whole roasted pork at each other’s family reunions.
Eventually, the two of you decide to part ways. You took the path of depression, which made you lose your appetite for pretty much everything, while she took the path of eating pretty much everything. This rollercoaster ride of yo-yo weight gain took a toll on her body and wardrobe, forcing her to go to rehab, where she writes a sad song that hits big and earns her the royalties to pay for a personal trainer and nutritionist. So once again she’s hot, but you’re not.
LOVE MAKES YOU POOR
Whether in cash or in kind, you still end up paying. She’s not going out with you because of your looks and personality. It’s simple economics. Sure, not all girls are materialistic, but they know love won’t pay for dinner, that Prada bag or that pair of Tod’s. And while it’s nice to hear “I love you”, you better believe that cash (or plastic) is still king.
LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID
Here is my list of dumb love deeds that still make the hair on the back of my neck stand:
l I made a mixed tape of slow jams with my commentaries in between (and our maid cleaning in the background)
l Wrote poems that ripped off Depeche Mode, U2 and Kenny G (hey, saxophones speak if you listen!)
l Learned to dance like MC Hammer, which injured my ankles and fashion sense
l Baked brownies, labeled them Mr Fields, and gave them to a girl who had a boyfriend, who ate them.
l Got a perm just because I overheard her say:
“I love Michael Jackson”.
That said, if your love brings about the above, it’s probably just infatuation. You see, when it’s for real, those acts of stupidity, the hole in your ATM card and the extra roll on your midriff are forgiven in the name of “unconditional love”. And I’m sure this is what good ol’ Tennyson had in mind.
Bookmark This Post
